All I Want This Christmas (Soldier!Armin x Reader)

    As the snow fluttered from the grey clouds into the cold blanket of white on the moist earth, a small shiver ran down your spine. The crackling laughter of the dancing inferno in the fireplace brought you comfort in a wave of warm air, and as the lights of the Christmas tree changed into rehearsed patterns, so did the memories of your mourning mind. The couch is cold against your skin, and its freezing leather flesh causes a shiver to run down your spine. Vacant (e/c) eyes lightly touched each picture that stood above the fire, a ghost of a smile tugging gently at the corners of your mouth.

The painful thread of sadness tightening around your heart almost made you scream.

The year's almost over

It sure looks like December

With snow and ice on the ground

I haven't sent

A single Christmas card

The 31st is comin' 'round

It makes me remember

Our last December

How the city looked

So beautiful in white

    His eyes would haunt your dreams and his voice would always echo in the empty corridors of your home, reminding you of the empty chair in the dining room that was once filled with a curious soul that wanted nothing but to see the world.

   
    When the arms of fear and doubt crushed his ability to believe in himself he was already out of your reach. The shower of love and affection you gave him did nothing as his umbrella of hesitation protected him from your words. He welcomed the hands of war with a heart drenched in fright and determination, his mind locked away in the idea of wanting to become something more than the love of your life. He wants to protect you, to hold you up towards the dreams you have for yourself and to never be a burden.

He wants to be strong on his own, and the bloody hands of battle pulled him away to protect his home and you.

As we walked the streets

That day you kept me warm

We couldn't wait to get inside

“(Name). I have to tell you something.”

    His voice came out in puffs of air, his eyes never rising from the ground. You felt his hand grip your own, his soft steps against the snow slowing down to a complete stop. You turned and faced him, the sad look in his blue crystal orbs bringing a new feeling of worry.

“What’s wrong, Armin? What is it?”

“I…please understand that I don’t ever want to hurt you…but I…I have to do this for myself.”

    
    The snow kissed his eyelashes and the wind weaved itself through his hair, scratching at his pale unbroken skin as he reached for your other hand. His thumbs rubbed the back of your hands affectionately, his lips in a tight line, too scared to speak.

“I don’t understand,” you whispered, the wind catching it and bringing it to his ears.

“I’m…I-I’m joining the army.”

The sky cried, and the wind stayed still in anticipation.

“What?”

   
    The harshness of your voice made him jump, but he still refused to look at you. He squeezed your hands and let out a shaking puff of air, his voice refusing to make a sound.

“Why? What in the world gave you that idea?” you said, disbelief starting to drown your words.

The boy’s shoulders slumped, and the air around him began to sink into a depressing aura.

Now it's Christmas

And you're so far away

On this Christmas

I just wish you had stayed

And I wonder

If you're thinking of me today

I don't know what I'll do

It's not Christmas without you

Yeah, you

“I-I feel weak. Like I’m just taking up space and becoming a terrible burden to you and everyone else.” His voice cracks, and his hands shake.

“You’re not a burden, I love you too much for that.” Your words came out in frantic breaths as you stepped closer to him, desperately searching for a sign that told you he changed his mind about the preposterous idea.

His hidden face was indecipherable, and it made you panic not knowing what he was thinking.

“(Name) please, I want to do this to prove to myself that I can protect you…”

“You don’t have to prove anything to me!” you screamed, hot tears running down your cheeks as he continued to look at the ground.

“I fell in love with you because of your mind and the ability you have for quick thinking, not once did I think you were weak and certainly not a burden. Apparently you don’t seem to understand how important it is to have a brain that thinks that much in this world!”

You were angry now, the tears still rolling down in a waterfall of hot rage.

“You’re strong in your own way, and you don’t have to protect me,” you said. “Please don’t do this–"

He yanked his hands away and lifted his head to finally look at you, and the sheer sight of his face broke your heart.

“I want to be more than what I already am! I’m supposed to be the one to protect you, it’s not the other way around!”

     His ocean eyes were overflowing with tears, his lips shaking with each breath he took. He was falling apart right in front of you, and by the time you realized he couldn’t be saved, his words of uncertainty were already flowing out and into the chilly air.

“If I can’t defend myself how am I supposed to help you when you need it? I’m too weak to fight, I’m so useless in those type of situations! What kind of boyfriend am I if I can’t even protect the one I love? I’m too shy, I’m too fragile, and I hate it that I have to ask for help when I myself can’t come up with a reasonable solution!”

    His juddering voice traveled to the dark corners of the street, the snow falling from the grey clouds like frozen tears that blended together to form an ocean of white water beneath your feet. The cold flakes that touched the boy’s cheeks sizzled into steam as he continued to cry, his quivering body moving to the sounds of his own panicked sobs.

You joined him and cried some more, reaching out to him with a hesitant hand.

“…Armin…Armin please.."

    He leaps into your arms and cries into the crook of your neck, squeezing your body against his while he tried to calm himself down so he could speak.

“If what you said is true, about me having a brilliant mind, let me use it for something that’s worth a lifetime.”

    He pulls away and kisses you deeply, holding the back of your head to keep you in place. He slides his coral lips away to breathe before kissing you again, the words he says vibrating against your own, and your eyes are blurred with a fresh wall of salty water that falls over your cheeks and down your chin.

“I’ll come back to you,” he says, kissing you. “I’ll come back to you and apologize for leaving you but for now, please try to understand my request.”

    His kisses become sloppy and his emotions spill out of his heart, his hand anxiously running through your hair as the other clutched your waist and brought it against his hips, his soul wanting to touch every part of your body before his journey took it away.

“I love you. I love you (Name). God…I love you so much.”

I hear carolers in the distance

Don't wanna listen

'Cause every sound says

You're not here

    The house stayed quiet and listened to the loud sounds of Christmas music radiating from other homes. It’s almost midnight, but all you could think about was the cold presence of a lost companion that wouldn’t join you in celebrating a special holiday. His present sits under the decorated tree in blue wrapping paper, untouched and emotionless against your fingers.

Just in case you change your mind

I'll leave a light over the door

And hope you suddenly appear

    You looked at the clock one last time, the last crack of hope vanishing from your heart. The small bulb of light that was outside was still on, shining on the door with a tinge of orange. You had hoped that if he came back he would understand that you were waiting for him, but that soon turned into nothing but a childish wish from your shattered humanity.

    A bowl of 12 grapes sat on your lap, and as the clock announced the time when the night turned into day, you began to eat one at a time, tears adding a sour flavor to them.

You made a wish with each grape, crying as each one descended down your throat.

'Cause it's Christmas

And you're so far away

On this Christmas

I just wish you had stayed

And I wonder

If you're thinking of me today, yeah

I don't know what I'll do

It's not Christmas without you

I wish Armin was still here.

I wish he never left.

I wish I'd fought harder to keep him here.

I wish I told him sooner how much he means to me.

I want him to come back.

I wish he would believe in himself more. He'd still be here if he did.

Give him back to me. He means the world to me, why did you take him away?

Give him back. Give Armin back to me.

 Or to leave a list under the tree

 But I did this once

 Or maybe it's a dream

It's Christmas

 All I wanted this year

 On this Christmas

 Was for you to be near

 I won't wonder

 If you're thinking of me

 'Cause you're here

My one wish has come true

 It's no longer Christmas without you